Assertive Communication

Assertive Communication

"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W. Ziege

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

So why use assertive communication?

All of us use assertive behavior at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behavior.
Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behavior. It enables us to swap old behavior patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.

The advantages of assertive communication

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

·         It helps us feel good about ourselves and others

·         It leads to the development of mutual respect with others

·         It increases our self-esteem

·         It helps us achieve our goals

·         It minimizes hurting and alienating other people

·         It reduces anxiety

·         It protects us from being taken advantage of by others

·         It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life

·         It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

Disadvantages of assertive communication

Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.

What assertive communication is not...

Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle! It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It's definitely NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it's NOT being aggressive.
But it IS about choice

Four behavioral choices

There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. These types are:
Direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
Indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
Submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
Assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous

Characteristics of assertive communication

There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:

·         eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity

·         body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message

·         gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis

·         voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating

·         timing: use your judgment to maximize receptivity and impact

·         content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say

The importance of "I" statements

Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focus on behavior, identifies the effect of behavior, is direct and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.
Strong "I" statements have three specific elements:

·         Behavior

·         Feeling

·         Tangible effect (consequence to you)

Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."

Six techniques for assertive communication

There are six assertive techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.
1. Behavior Rehearsal: which is literally practicing how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behavior you wish to confront.
2. Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.
Example:
"I would like to show you some of our products"

"No thank you, I'm not interested"

 "I really have a great range to offer you"

"That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment"

"Is there someone else here who would be interested?"

"I don't want any of these products"

"Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?"

"Yes, I will take a brochure"

"Thank you"

"You're welcome"
3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions.
4. Negative enquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about you in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe that I am not interested?"
5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive or anxious; this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologies. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."
6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"

COMMUNICATION STYLES TABLE

The following are examples of a couple of Communication Style models. Check the references and links above for information and resources concerning various communication styles models.

COMMUNICATION STYLES TABLE (from GST Telecom, formally Call America) 4 Different Personality Types: Expresser, Driver, Relater & Analytical.  How to Recognize Each, What They Ask, Dislikes, Reacts to, Improves with, Must be Allowed to, For Best Results.

FACTORS:	EXPRESSER	DRIVER	RELATER	ANALYTICAL
How to Recognize:	They get excited.	They like their own way; decisive & strong viewpoints.	They like positive attention, to be helpful & to be regarded warmly.	They seek a lot of data, ask many questions, behave methodically & systematically.
Tends to Ask:	Who? (the personal dominant question)	What (the results oriented question.)	Why? (the personal non-goal question.)	How? (the technical analytical question.)
What They Dislike:	Boring explanations/wasting time with too many facts.	Someone wasting their time trying to decide for them.	Rejection, treated impersonally, uncaring & unfeeling attitudes.	making an error, being unprepared, spontaneity.
Reacts to Pressure and Tension By:	"Selling" their ideas or argumentative.	Taking charge taking more control.	Becoming silent, withdraws, introspective.	Seeking more data & information.
Best way to Deal With:	Get excited with them. Show emotion.	Let them be in charge.	Be supportive; show you care.	Provide lots of data & information.
Likes To Be Measured By:	Applause, feedback, recognition.	Results, Goal-oriented.	Friends, close relationships.	Activity & busyness that leads to results.
Must Be Allowed To:	Get ahead quickly.  Likes challenges.	Get into a competitive situation. Likes to win.	Relax, feel, care, know you care.	make decisions at own pace, not cornered or pressured.
Will Improve With:	Recognition & some structure with which to reach the goal.	A position that requires cooperation with others.	A structure of goals & methods for achieving each goal.	Interpersonal and communication skills.
Likes to Save:	Effort they rely heavily on hunches, intuition, feelings.	Time. They like to be efficient, get things done now.	Relationships. Friendship means a lot to them.	Face. They hate to make an error, be wrong or get caught without enough info.
For Best Results:	Inspire them to bigger & better accomplishments.	Allow them freedom to do things their own way.	Care & provide detail, specific plans&activities to be accomplished.	Structure a framework or "track" to follow.